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My extended family has a couple of plots at the city's cemetery -- which happens to be 2 blocks from our house -- and my uncle, grandparents and father have been laid to rest there. 

The unfortunate thing is that my remaining uncles and dad could not be bothered to have a stone mark my grandma's grave when she passed in '92.   My dad's older brother was responsible for my grandad's finances when he was admitted to an extended care facility a few years later.... but still no marker.  Ten long years went by before my grandad finally passed -- after many years of suffering from Parkinson's, dementia, and (most of all) a broken heart.  Maybe grandad thought it would be too costly to have a marker for grandma, only to have it changed or replaced to include his details later.  I don't know.  But why did it take SIX YEARS to have a marker created for them once grandad passed? 

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I will spare you the details of an outrageous feud between brothers and in-laws over wills and inheiretance... only to explode after my father's death, resulting in the remaining two brothers not speaking, and awkwardness between all the cousins. 

Anyway, my grandparents now have a marker that can be looked upon when loved ones come by to pay their respects.  Rant done.  The reason for this blog was not to winge and moan about all that. 

My thoughts were on a positive note.  Not about the triviality of my Baby-Boomer relatives, but of the sentimentality of Generation Z (??).  Even after 3 1/2 years, my step-mom still pays her respects to my dad nearly every week (along with her mother at another cemetery) to trim the grass around the edge of the markers and care for the potted plants she always leaves.  Sometimes, she stops at our place first and invites Brianna to walk to the cemetery with her -- and Brianna is always willing to go.  Brianna was only 20 months old when my dad passed away (the age of the twins now), so I know that the chance of her having a memory of him is quite slim.  Even so, she says she misses him and talks to him freely when she visits the cemetery.  She even calls out "Hi" to him when we drive by! 

It just goes to show that no matter what goes on in some adult's fickle lives, children hold on to their sentiments... un-restrained love that is never shy or embarrased, whether it be for a passed loved one, or a Barbie doll.  I think we fickle adults should take reminders like that seriously.  We should feel free to speak out loud to passed loved ones when we visit their markers, and we should show our excitement and gratitude over even the smallest gift. 

In case you hadn't noticed, Brianna was named after my dad... Brian.    

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We had a nice day yesterday.  The day of my daughter's Kung Fu demonstration at one of the city movie cinemas was finally here.  It was meant to be in honour of the opening of the movie Kung Fu Panda but was really badly organised so actually coincided with the movie start time so a) nobody coming to watch the movie actually watched the demo and b) the kids didn't get to go to the movie afterwards as it was too long to wait until the next session. 

The kids had a great time and didn't seem to click that the majority of their "audience" were actually family and friends who had been dragged along for the occasion.  Their teacher (who is very much like a big kid himself!) was also very pleased with how it all went and offered to take the kids all out to McDonalds for lunch afterwards. 

We all (ie, kids, instructors and parents) went and invaded Darling Harbour McDonalds and all the kids got a Happy Meal and a Kung Fu Panda viper so they were happy.  Afterwards, a few of us went over to the playground and hung out there for an hour or so.  It is a really nice playground and was a beautiful day for it.  My one (minor) problem with it is all the water features around the place.  These are like a magnet to my son who of course managed to get himself a bit wet (although not absolutely soaking like he did last time we went to Manly corso!).  One the way home, we passed another group of Kung Fu students doing their training in the park.  The kids enjoyed watching this as it was quite a different style of Kung Fu to what they do.  All in all it was a very fun day. 

Here are a couple of photos I took at Darling Harbour (I can't post any of the Kung Fu demo photos as they have other people's kids in them): 

J darling harbour

V Darling Harbour

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Here is one of the presents I got Claudia for her birthday, which is on August 2nd.  She already has 4 American Girl dolls, but she's been wanting these two...Molly & Emily...for awhile now.  She had asked for one or the other, but since she did so well in school (straight A's!!), I decided to order them both.  She watches the movie all the time.  I just wish they weren't $105 per doll!  Eeeek!!!  My wallet is so on fire right now.  They're worth it though.  Really nice dolls.

Claudia's 9th B-day Gift - 1

Claudia's 9th B-day Gift - 2

Claudia's 9th B-day Gift - 3

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I was eight years old when I learned about the "birds and bees."

It was a sunny afternoon, I had just dropped my backpack down at the front door and went straight to the kitchen for a snack.  My mom was in there getting some stuff ready for dinner, I could hear my little sister in the back room playing with her dolls.

"Mom, what's a 'virgin'?"

She looked up from the stove at me with wide-eyes and then slowly narrowed them, spatula in the air.  Her shoulders slumped and she said, "Give me just a minute here and we'll talk about that.  Where did you hear that word?"

"I was at Bible Class today and they kept talking about 'The Virgin Mary'.  Why did they call her a 'virgin'?  ... Oh and I heard it on a T.V. show the other day too, but that time they were talking about a guy at their school."

She quietly finished making dinner, set it to the side to stay warm and told me to come sit on the couch in the living room.  She brought a pencil and a pad of paper with her.  Man, she meant business.  This was not going to be any explanation.

Curiously I looked at her as I sat down, feeling a bit apprehensive at her seriousness. 

A few diagrams later she had thoroughly explained the female reproductive system, the male reproductive system and how they delicately worked together to make a baby.  Following that was a stern lecture about how this process was meant by God to be an act between a husband and wife that loved each other. 

And then she began to cry. 

Tell an eight-year-old little girl that a penis goes in a vagina to make a baby and THEN start crying... and you have pretty much engraved the moment into her mind forever.  And possibly scared the living day lights out of her.

The reason for the tears was soon explained.  My mother put her hand on my shoulder as tears streamed down her face and said that sometimes people who weren't married fell in love and made babies.  That it was NEVER a mistake, it just wasn't the way God intended it and made it much harder for everyone involved.

A light bulb began to go off in my head.  I realized that most kids probably don't remember their parent's wedding day like I did.  I remember it because I was 3 years old on that day.  And the man I now called "Daddy" didn't actually meet me until I was old enough to know I was the only kid in nursery school that didn't have a daddy.

I looked at my mom and I started to cry too.  "Who is my daddy?"

She hugged me and told me that someday when I was old enough to know, she would tell me more, and if I wanted to meet him, that she would be okay with it.  For now, my Daddy was the man that came to every school program, that took us to the zoo, and who was the only person I wanted when I fell off my bike and skinned my knee.  She said that making a baby didn't make you a daddy... loving a child like they were your own did.

Finally I sighed and wiped my tears, looked back down at the drawing my mother had made me.  An hour or so had passed since I had gotten home from school.  From the drawings I looked back at my mothers face, eyes rimmed red with tears, but with a soft smile on her face. 

"But, I still don't know what 'virgin' means." 

At that, my mother started laughing and so did I.

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Wouldn't you just hate to have a frustrated English teacher for a parent at age 9?

My daughter has been having a bit of trouble with comprehension tests at school lately (probably because she is not terribly keen on reading) so this morning I got out my old Norton's Anthology to try and give her some practice at comprehension.  I read her this poem, one of my favourites by William Blake. 

A Poison Tree

I was angry with my friend:
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe:
I told it not, my wrath did grow.

And I watered it in fears
Night and morning with my tears,
And I sunned it with smiles
And with soft deceitful wiles.

And it grew both day and night,
Till it bore an apple bright,
And my foe beheld it shine,
And he knew that it was mine -

And into my garden stole
When the night had veiled the pole;
In the morning, glad, I see
My foe outstretched beneath the tree.

On the first read through, we wrote down all the words she didn't know, ie, wrath, foe, deceitful, wiles, beheld and veild.  We then looked them up in the dictionary and talked about their meanings during a second read through of the poem.  We talked about her and her friends and how sometimes you feel better if you tell someone they have hurt your feelings rather than bottling it up and growing a 'poison tree' inside you. 

We then moved on to talking about metaphors and particularly the apple and tree metaphors.  She had been a bit disengaged up until this point but then got really excited thinking about apples in other stories like the story of Adam and Eve, Snow White etc. 

Gold Apple - huge resolution!

We then had a look at Anthony Browne's book The Shape Game (the kids love this book anyway) which includes a reproduction of a painting about a woman being cast out of her family because she had given into temptation.  There is half an apple lying on the floor of the room in the painting and my daughter was quite excited to see this and interested in the other symbolism in the painting (which Anthony Browne explains in the book).

The Shape Game

Anthony Browne

We also read Pamela Allen's Black Dog (the kids also love have Pamela Allen's books read to them) which continues on with the friendship theme and has a lot of symbolism in it, eg, a bluebird, trees, bread and of course, Black Dog himself.

V+m.jpg

She has now gone off to Kung Fu clutching a copy of Grimms Fairy Tales all excited about reading the gory versions of popular fairytales.  Plenty of symbolism there!

The Complete Grimm's Fairy Tales (Pantheon Fairy Tale & Folklore Library)

Jacob Grimm

On reflection, I think the Blake poem was probably a bit ambitious, especially as a starting point.  I will look for something a bit more accessible next time.  Any suggestions most welcome.   

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Show us a picture of your father.

Better late than never!  I don't have a scanner so these are photos of photos.

This first one was probably taken in late 1967 judging by the size of me.

Dad and me 1

This one would be 1968 and was taken on the verandah of our old house.

Dad and me 2

Fast forward to 1989 and my university graduation for this one of dad, me and grandad (his father):

Dad Grandad and me

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Show us summer.

I have posted this previously but this is almost WINTER in Sydney!

Cronulla in May

Just about to take the kids out to shoot some hoops at the local netball courts and take advantage of another sunny Winter day.

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The title of this post is actually the title of a book by American author, Rosalind Wiseman about 'helping your daughter survive cliques, gossip, boyfriends and other realities of adolescence'. 

Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and Other Realities of Adolescence

Rosalind Wiseman

My daughter, V, is not yet an adolescent but has been having problems on and off with a particular Queen Bee (let's call her C) since starting at her new school approximately 18 months ago.  C is a very tall and attractive girl who is quite popular with the teachers and many of the girls.  She seemed to develop a dislike for my daughter last year, I suspect because my daughter became 'too friendly' with some of C's minions, one of whom is the daughter of a good friend of mine.  She would tell V that she was 'annoying' and 'wasn't allowed to play' with their group of girls.  V used to get upset aboit this exclusion but then made another good friend, H, who was completely apart from that group. 

I was a bit concerned this year to hear that C was in my daughter's class while all the minions and my daughter's friend H were in other classes.  However C seems to have decided that she would be nice to V this year (much to V's amazement "It was if nothing had ever happened last year").  Yesterday V came home crying again and said that not only was C excluding her from the group but had also managed to turn H against her.  I had a word to my friend and she spoke to her daughter who told her that C had told them all that she didn't like V because V "talks too much" (FFS!).  I suspect that the real reason is that we had one of C's neighhbours (a lovely girl who is quite capable of standing up to C) over to play on the weekend and it has got back to her and she is seeing V as competition again.  It probably doesn't also help that V was awarded 'Student of the Month' by their mutual class teacher last month and is generally well regarded by most people at the school. 

As tempting as it was to let V stay home today (I am home with the flu myself), I didn't think that was going to help her.  My husband and I explained to her that C is probably jealous of her and that the only reason she has any power over other girls (including V) is that they let her have this power by going along with her when she decides they are 'in' while someone else is 'out'.  I suggested she stay right out of it by playing with some other girls who are nothing to do with this group (I know from things like party invitations that V does have other friends even though she claims not to) and letting C see that she has no power over V.  I am sure that if she does this, then the others, especially H, will come back soon enough. 

I thought about talking to C's mother myself but suspect that she is actually part of the problem as her other daughter does exactly the same kind of thing with girls in her class (my friend's other daughter is one of the main victims in this case).  My friend who knows C's mother quite well also said not to even bother talking to her as there is no way this mother will hear anything bad about either of her daughters.

I also didn't want to go to the teacher about it as really I don't think there is a lot they can do about this kind of "sneaky bullying" at this age. 

I think it is probably a hard but necessary lesson for V that you can't change anyone's behaviour but your own.  Hopefully developing this resilience now will help her when she does reach adolescence and this kind of thing ramps up even more. 

I really hope I am doing the right thing.

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Yesterday afternoon was sunny but with a cold wind so I took the kids and a friend and Mollie the dog to a different playground to the one we normally go to (which is located on a bay and not very sheltered).  My daughter was most unimpressed about not getting to go to her favourite park which has quite a thrilling (and fantastically dangerous!) flying fox ride and netball courts.  Everyone ended up having a good time though and we even had a bit of an adventure!

These are my kids on the 'teen rager' play equipment which is meant to cater to much older children (the kind who are 'too cool' to play on play equipment anyway!):

Winter surfing

Spinning V

There were lots of thrills and spills and dirt on clothes which was probably a good thing.

I don't know if it was the age of the girls or because we had a ball with us but we also found ourselves getting 'tailed' by a group of boys on bikes.  This turned out to be quite fortuitous as the girls managed to throw the ball right up on top of the cricket nets so it was all hands on deck to get it down.   

Group problem solving

We ended up with about a dozen kids (and Mollie supervising) working out different strategies to try and get the ball down off the nets.  These included climbing the wire (which a couple of kids tried and failed), trying to find a big enough stick to poke at the ball and, failing that, having my son on my shoulders trying to poke the ball with a stick, throwing up various other balls at different angles to try and knock the first ball out of its bed of wire. 

While this was going on, another kid (the cousin of one of our new friends) managed to climb up on the roof of the nearby toilets and get himself stuck up there.  He later succumbed to the urgings of the other kids to "Just jump!" and fortunately no broken bones ensued. 

The ball crisis was eventually averted after about ten minutes of solid effort and group problem solving when a little wiry kid just ran up and shinnied up the side of the nets and saved the day to much cheering and applause.  We then all bid our farewells to one another as if we were old friends and went off home laughing and satisfied at a job well done.  

My son fell asleep about 30 seconds after his head hit the pillow last night and even Mollie was too tired to do her usual middle of the night whining at the door and slept right through the night without a peep.      

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What parenting tip do you swear by?

Never say never!

I was reminded of this a few weeks ago when I heard a mother of a toddler swearing black and blue that neither of her children (including the one not yet born) would have cell phones as teenagers.  The parents of older children and teenagers who were there at the time just exchanged meaningful glances amongst themself

I thought back to when I was pregnant and in the early days of motherhood with my first child and all the things I swore I would never do, eg:

• take drugs during labour
• use disposable nappies (diapers)
• feel torn about going out or returning to work
• get into the 'bad habit' of breastfeeding the baby to sleep

As she got older and was joined by another child, many more items were added and later struck off the 'never' list, including:

• use the television/VCR as a babysitter
• threaten 'no dessert if you don't eat your dinner'
• use lollies (candy) as a bribery tool
• allow Barbies or Bratz dolls or other sexist toys
• all my daughter to dress like a pink princess every day of pre-school
• engage in sniping with my husband in front of the children
• spank (not something I do as a rule but have done this plenty of times in frustration)
• back down on something to get a break from the whining (as with the spanking)
• scream like a banshee and use choice phrases like "Get your bloody socks on NOW!"
• surf the Internet or read a book in preference to engaging with my children

Since the kids have been at school, there has been a whole new range of things to neglect or forget:

• only pretend to listen to a long detailed story about something that happened at preschool/school
• forget to listen to readers
• lose sight words and excursion notes
• send my child to school in uniform on mufti day
• send my child to school when they are borderline unwell (remember joking with one mum that the snot needed to be green or a fever in place before we would keep a child home with a runny nose)
• miss or arrive late for concerts and other important events

Despite all this, I don't think I am a particularly bad parent, just a human one which is, after all, probably the best thing any of us can hope for.  And yes, I am pretty sure my kids will have cell phones when they start high school.

Drawing of me

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